"Stupid" Things Theatre-Nerds Say
We love us. You know we love us and I know you know we love us. But aren’t we annoying sometimes?
Scene One: They’ll have it on YouTube
Friend: *takes phone out to take a picture of stage*
Theatre Nerd: OMG. ARE YOU FILMING THE PERFORMANCE?
Friend: I –
Theatre Nerd: I WILL REPORT YOU TO THE LAWS OF THE STAGE. YOU ARE A DISGRACE AGAINST MANKIND. AGAINST THEATRE. AGAINST LIFE.
Theatre Nerd: Don’t even talk to me. I can’t deal with you right now.
*5 hours later*
Theatre Nerd: Oh no, I never got to see Hedwig before it closed… I’m sure they’ll have it on YouTube.
Scene Two: Not in a musical
Theatre Nerd: Oh my god.
Theatre Nerd: They’re making a movie musical of ‘Wicked’.
Friend: That’s great!
Theatre Nerd: WHAT?!
Friend: I said that’s great, you love W-
Theatre Nerd: NOT AS A MOVIE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Oh. Great. Harry Styles is rumoured as Fiyero.
Friend: You lo-
Theatre Nerd: NOT IN A MUSICAL
Scene Three: Shopping trip
Friends: Hey, I’m going shopping. Anyone want to come?
*numerous grunts of approval and nods of heads*
Theatre Nerd: Yeah, sounds great…
Oh wait, I already spent all my money on theatre tickets.
Friends: Well, just come along anyway… You don’t have to buy stuff.
Theatre Nerd: I spent my emergency bus money on theatre merch.
Friends: We can walk…
Theatre Nerd: Guys. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I would so much rather sit at home, eating my homemade emerald green cookies, enrobed in theatre t-shirts and Playbills, binge-watching Broadway.com – I’m not sorry.
Scene Four: The Internal Monologue of a Theatre-Nerd Watching ‘Wicked’(Wicked Spoiler ahead)
And I’ll stand there with Idina,
Feeling things I’ve never felt,
She’s awesome and she knows it,
That mezzo-sop has such a belt!
Oh my god, oh my god you guys.
I can’t even believe she dies.
Way to spoil a musical,
Oh no, wait, really she’s alive?
Oh my god you guys.
Scene Five: Classic One-Liners
“I know all the choreography from this song.”
“No, Kristin Chenoweth was the best Galinda Upland.”
“I could be her.”
“I hope I get it.”
“Why can’t I dance like that?”
“Why can’t I belt like that?”
“Why is there a WOMAN ON HER PHONE IN THE FRONT ROW?”
“Who even pays that kind of money to sit there on their phone?
“Someone get me a signed Hamilton Playbill.”
“Someone get me a Hedwig t-shirt.”
“Get me merch. I will love you.”
“Oh my god, I cried.”
And, the most common one-liner: “You have to see it.”
Photo: Alan Goldstein