Pills or Razor blade to the wrist?
This was the internal debate I was having in my dorm room. I was weighing options of how I could end my life without leaving a mess. This is the only time I gave serious consideration to committing suicide. So serious in fact, I got up from my bed, went to my desk and started to remove the razors from my razor.
I was doing this because I didn't know who I was anymore. I had turned into someone I hated. I felt like I was completely alone. It was time to take the easy way out.
The only thing that stopped me was a perfectly timed AIM from someone across campus that read,
"Hey, you've been acting weird lately. I hope you're okay. I'm here if you need me."
That's all it took. I broke down, threw the razor blades out, AIM'ed her back and we went to Denny's to talk until around 3 am. During our conversation, this person said something to me that I'll never forget,
"You might feel alone now, but you will be loved."
The next day I made an appointment with counseling on campus.
You're not a freak if you're feeling alone or think no one cares about you. There are plenty of others out there that feel the same way. But if you get to the point where you start rationalizing or planning ending your life. I am going to tell you the same thing my friend told me, you will be loved.
There are people out there who are going to be the best friends you've ever had. They'll love having you around, support you when you need it and share in some amazing experiences with you.
There is a stage out there, waiting for you to grace it and an audience waiting to applaud you.
There is someone out there who will be the love of your life. Someone who loves you unconditionally because of who you are.
The best part? You're going to meet these people, they haven't passed you by. So give them the time to find you, because they will. As long as you're open to meeting new people, you're going to find each other.
My friend was right. In the years to come I would meet the best friends I could ever have.
That night was the winter of 2004.
In 2006, I would meet my wife at a Starbucks.
In 2014, I would meet my son.
So if you're at the point where you're starting to make plans like I did, stop. Take a breath. Remember.
You will be loved.