Cell Block Horoscopes : The Characters of “Chicago” as Zodiac Signs

Image: Paul Kolnik

Image: Paul Kolnik

  • Kirti Daya

Aries - Velma Kelly

Aries are described as self-centered, confident and impulsive. Which is basically Velma Kelly in a nutshell. Upon discovering her sister and husband mid-affair, she flies into a jealous rage killing both of them. However, even in prison she maintains her cool, playing the victim and getting the press on her side. She can’t stand sharing the spotlight with anybody else which is why the arrival of new cell mate Roxie Hart requires more than just an attitude readjustment from Ms Kelly. In typical Aries fashion, Ms Kelly bounces back from her prison time, managing to co-ordinate a successful show even after the peak of her career.

Taurus - Amos Hart

Amos, the doting husband of Roxie Hart is naïve, sweet and easy to take advantage of-exactly what Roxie manages to do time and time again. From pretending to have shot Fred Casely to being able to come up with enough money for a good lawyer; it is Amos’ Taurean nature of being dependable and strong yet also oversensitive and obstinate that rules most of his decisions. That truly fuddy, duddy husband of Roxie’s.

Gemini - Fred Casely

Although Casely hardly featured in this spectacular storyline, he is a pivotal part of Roxie’s life. Geminis are known to be changeable, inconsistent and superficial, which unfortunately for Roxie all turned out to be true to Casely’s character as he was willing to lie to her about her career opportunities just to get her into bed. It’s safe to say he had it coming.

Cancer – Hunyak

Not. Guilty! Poor, soft, misunderstood Hunyak resonates with every cancerian by being devoted, compassionate and hesitant. Her sad demeanour during cell block tango as well as her constant pleas of innocence play into her zodiac sign almost too well.

Leo - Billy Flynn

Have you ever seen a Leo more Leo-like than lawyer Billy Flynn? Vibrant, assertive, egotistical and a lover of the spotlight, Flynn ticks all Leo characteristics known to mankind. Manipulative and charismatic, Flynn manages to win the jury over in almost record time. He’s immaculate at his job, leaving nothing to chance and choosing not to disclose everything to his client, but rather keeping his cards quite close to him and only him. Despite his snake-like personality, he’s still managed to win my heart with his boyish charm and smooth moves.

Virgo – Liz

Virgos are known for dependability, which makes the fact that Liz is the breadwinner in the relationship shared between her and Bernie, no surprise. Virgos are extremely patient and kind until they’re pushed to their limit. Perhaps shooting somebody in their head is a bit extreme; however Liz could not help it. She was simply a Virgo who had been pushed too far.

Libra – June

Librans are known to be charming, loving and indecisive. So it’s no surprise that June was accused of cheating on her husband with the milkman (the jury’s still out on that one). Whether she was faithful or not, her retelling of what had happened that fateful day is diplomatic and balanced. Key characteristics of any true Libran.

Sagittarius – Annie

Annie fell in love with Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake City and their relationship soon escalated thereafter. If it sounds impulsive and a bit too soon, well that’s because it was. Annie couldn’t help it; being a Sagittarius it was in her nature to be restless, sociable and gregarious. Her monologue in Cell Block Tango was also exactly how a Sagittarius would tell any story, blunt and to the point.

Scorpio - Matron Mama Morton

Passionate, charismatic, secretive, manipulative, do any of these sound familiar? Well not only are they key characteristics of a Scorpio but they’re also the traits responsible for Mama Morton’s successful career. Matron Mama Morton promises to take care of the girls in exchange for certain favours, this sort of bartering true to her Scorpio nature. Scorpios are fiercely loyal until something better comes along which is exactly what happened in the Velma-Roxie situation. Ask any of the chickies in her pen, they’ll tell you she’s the biggest mother Scorpio.

Capricorn - Mary Sunshine

As a journalist, it is imperative to be serious, rigid and willful. This is exactly what Mary Sunshine brings to the table as the only female reporter covering the murderesses of the Cook County Jail. Her demanding nature as well as inquisitive presence ensures she is taken as seriously as her male colleagues, with her articles always being as informative as possible.

Aquarius – Mona

Aquarians are normally noncommittal which is why commitment is such a big deal to them. For Mona, finding out that Alvin Lipschitz had cheated on her with multiple women, was deserving of death. Her monologue in Cell Block Tango is arguably the most sarcastic yet devoid of emotion and that’s exactly how an Aquarian would see the situation. He saw himself as alive and the Aquarian saw him dead.

Pisces - Roxie Hart

Roxie Hart finds herself in jail due to her imaginative and wistful nature. But Hart can’t help it, that’s just her Piscean qualities shining through! Hart romanticises her struggling wanna-be career as a performer and spends most of her time daydreaming of fame and fortune. Her woe-is-me attitude that quickly turns into a plight of self-preservation feels very pisces-esque and it was impressive to see Hart constantly stay true to her sign.