Your Last Tinder Date As A Sondheim Musical

3e93dc019d7d722537f3c97d29b1b79f.jpg
  • Barrie Kealoha

Into the Woods

You met up for trivia night at a bar with their friends. You didn’t get to speak one-on-one much, as everyone kept talking over each other and switching seats. You ended up going home with their friend.

Company

You were happy to find out they were as exactly as hot in real life as in their profile pic, but you could swear you saw their eyes glaze over while you were talking. The sex was athletic and mediocre. They texted you with “you up?” a week later. You were up.

Passion

You swiped right after one too many chardonnays but decided to take a chance on this one anyway. You got a weirded out from too much intense eye contact, and bailed early. They texted you for a week straight after, mostly TED Talk links they “thought you might like”. You considered changing your number.

A Little Night Music

They could NOT stop talking about their ex.

Assassins

The conversation got really intense really quickly, but it was kind of a turn on for you. They took you back to their place, but you were a little unsettled by the number of books on their shelf with the word “Manifesto” in the title. You called them three days later, but their number had been disconnected.

Pacific Overtures

They completely forgot you existed and kept making googly eyes at the waitress.

Merrily We Roll Along

You two clicked right away, and the conversation was flowing. One thing led to another, and you woke up in an unfamiliar room, unsure of how you got talked into that threesome. It rained during your Walk of Shame.

Sunday in the Park With George

You took a cooking class together, because they had a Groupon for it that was about to expire. They made an absolute mess, but somehow the dish looked immaculate. You offered to take a picture of it for Instagram, but they couldn’t stop rearranging the garnishes long enough to actually take the picture. The food tasted terrible.

Sweeney Todd

The sex was UNREAL.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way To the Forum

They weren’t the “type” you normally go for, but they kept you laughing the whole time, to the point where the server had to politely ask you to “keep it down” because you were “disturbing the other guests”. This only made you laugh harder. You are now married.