The Five Worst People You'll Meet in a Green Room
by Chris Peterson, OnStage Blog Founder
I love theatre. I do. I love the magic, the camaraderie, the pure adrenaline of a 30-second costume change and the smell of hairspray so strong it could paralyze a moose. But nothing tests your love for the performing arts quite like the theatre green room. Because while it’s technically a backstage waiting area, it often doubles as a psychological experiment in patience, noise tolerance, and "How close can this person physically sit to me while eating a chicken Caesar wrap?"
Here, dear reader, are the five worst people you’ll inevitably meet back there.
1. The Green Room Hoarder
They have six bags, four drinks, and a collection of personal items that makes you wonder if they’ve secretly moved in. Their makeup is spread across two counters like a Sephora exploded. Every time you try to sit, you’re met with: “Oh, sorry, that’s where I’m keeping my backup lashes.” Cool. I’ll just lie on the floor next to your roller skates and protein powder.
2. The “I Was Almost Cast in the Lead” Person
They auditioned for the role you’re playing, and they want you to know it. Constantly. "I actually had a really strong callback for this part... but I’m happy being in the ensemble. I needed a break anyway." Uh-huh. Meanwhile, they keep muttering your lines under their breath and somehow always end up standing next to you during vocal warm-ups like they’re waiting for you to slip on a prop banana peel and break your neck.
3. The Constant Costume Complainer
We get it. The corset is tight. The pants are itchy. The hat makes your head look weird. We are all uncomfortable. This is community theatre, not a couture fitting at the Met Gala. But this person won’t stop narrating every sensory experience. “Oh my God, these tights are suffocating my soul.” Cool. Want a juice box and a medal?
4. The Person With Absolutely No Concept of Volume
They are always talking, always laughing, always singing—but at the exact decibel level of a jet engine. They have two settings: “stage whisper” and “megaphone at a protest.” You could be mid-meditation, trying to find your pre-show center, and they’ll burst in like, “HAS ANYONE SEEN MY FOUNDATION?! ALSO, MY DOG JUST GOT A BLADDER INFECTION.” Fantastic. And now I’m playing “angry ghost” in Act 2.
5. The Self-Appointed Relationship Counselor
They saw you texting someone during break and now they’ve decided you need a full coaching session on your love life. “He liked your Instagram? That means something.” Did I ask? No. Are we doing full astrological compatibility readings now? Apparently yes. I came here to run lines, not unpack emotional baggage like it’s group therapy with wigs.
Green rooms are the ultimate crash course in tolerance, sharing space, and resisting the urge to leap out a fire exit. But they’re also the birthplace of lifelong friendships, inside jokes, and the kind of shared chaos that bonds you forever.
So keep your snacks to yourself, find your corner of the floor, and remember: no matter how annoying everyone else is, you’re probably on someone else’s list too.
Especially if you're the one microwaving fish.