When the Curtain Falls on Your Life: Finding My Way Back to Theatre

by Hannah Crawford, OnStage Blog Columnist

Okay, I’m about to get really vulnerable with you all here. This is a piece I’ve been wanting to write for months, and I’m finally ready to share. A little over a year ago, I got out of a 10-year relationship. Although we legally never got married, we considered ourselves married and called each other our wives for the 10 years we were together.

Everything about this break-up was truly a divorce. And, unfortunately, as divorces go for so many people, it did not go well and was not a pleasant split.

I think that sometimes people who have never gotten divorced think that splitting up with someone is the loss of that person you were with. But, after going through it, I’ll tell you that it is so much more than that. It is the loss of an entire life that you had - the structure and identity you had tied to it. And then most of all, it is the loss of the future you were planning with them (that was the biggest struggle for me).

Throughout the years, I was always involved in the arts in many different capacities. But sometimes, when you really go through it in life, survival becomes the only priority. And when that happened to me, my passions, like theatre, took a backseat.

Grieving My Lost Passion For The Arts

As I shared above, the divorce affected more than just the ending of a romantic relationship. It changed the way I relate to the arts. I suddenly lost all interest in parts of myself. For years, I’ve been involved in the arts as a youth director, improv coach, summer camp teacher, stage manager, assistant stage manager, and house manager, among other roles. 

Suddenly, the loss of the woman I thought I was going to have future children with and grow old with was quickly gone the moment I told her I wanted a divorce. Life as I knew it was officially over. Now, I’ll tell you that I am very type A, and so I prepared myself in advance emotionally for ending my relationship. I knew it was a negative relationship that had been given too many chances with no change. I knew it was time for me to do what was right for me.

However, what I did not prepare myself for was the effect it would have on my artistic side. 

Outside of actually going to the theatre to lead or perform, I always had my writing. Ever since I was a young kid, writing has always been my emotional release. I feel such a connection to the words that I write. It has helped me through some of the darkest times of my life. And not even necessarily writing about what I was going through every time. It’s just always been the ability to get lost in writing about anything.

I wrote theatre coursebooks and scripts for youth theatre for years. Then I transitioned to writing a lot for OnStage Blog. And it wasn’t long before this writing platform really became my home. I can’t think of two better things than theatre and writing, unless you combine the two together. 

However, I didn’t prepare myself, nor do I think I could have, for losing all interest in writing. It was like pulling teeth, forcing myself to write. Normally, my mind thinks quicker than I could type, and suddenly I was just staring at my cursor blinking on a blank Word document, not knowing what to say about theatre.

Each day I got up, I wasn’t concerned with my passions – about finding a new theatre show to get to, trying to meet up with stage crew friends for lunch, or spending my nights writing about theatre. I was focused on my survival,  just getting through the day.

Divorce is exhausting. And it took almost everything out of me. This is why the arts had to be put on pause for me. In hindsight, I think the arts would have helped me through such a dire time. Pulled me out of that icy water like we all wished Rose would have done to Jack. 

But, I couldn’t. I became so focused on trying to survive the day. I had no desire to do anything I loved or found pleasure in this life. I didn’t stop because I didn’t love the arts anymore. I stopped because I had no emotional capacity for anything other than the everyday survival of eating, going to work, and showering. That is all I did for months.

Learning to Rebuild Life One Scene At a Time

I wasn’t blind to what was going on. I just had no clue how to fix it. How do you all of a sudden get back your passion for theatre you’ve had your whole life? How do you in a moment's notice, get excited about going back to the stage that’s been your home? How do you find the comfort in writing that you’ve had since you learned to write the alphabet?

Well, I went to therapy for months. And no, I’m not ashamed of that. I needed to learn how to love life again. I needed to understand that my life was not over, even though my way of living with my ex-wife was. 

I learned to make the changes in my life that I needed to. I let go of some things I needed to. I got rid of my house, I moved 45 minutes away, and I got a new car. Small things that made a huge impact on my outlook on the direction I wanted my life to take, now that I took charge. I started to intentionally surround myself with different people. I went back to my emotional releases – nights out on the beach and Sundays spent with a good cup of coffee at quaint coffee spots.

I was learning to fall in love with myself again. And then it wasn’t long at all before I picked up my laptop again, and suddenly the words were there. They had been waiting for me this whole time, and I was able to start writing about theatre again.

My Theatre Passions Never Left

I can’t say that my theatre passions had left; I learned to go find them again. They were always there. It was me that I needed to find again. Through the years of being in a very negative and life-draining relationship, I lost so much of who made Hannah, Hannah. And I had to find her again.

And once I did, the theatre was there waiting for me at the stage door. I didn’t reject theatre; it was just the season of life that I was in.

After surrounding myself with different people and immersing myself in my new life, I made so many connections. I started attending events again, getting involved in non-profits, and sponsored a local Performing Arts Non-Profit’s Mardi Gras. Doing this led me to being asked to be on the Board of Directors for that Non-Profit! 

Finally, serving on the Board of Directors of a theatre nonprofit has always been a dream of mine, and it has come true. When they asked me to join, and the vote came back unanimous, I was beyond grateful.

I can honestly say this season of my life has been the happiest I’ve ever experienced. I wouldn’t have been able to say this last March. Because last March I was in a big house all alone, lying on my living room floor at 1 a.m., crying, listening to sad songs on repeat, and wondering what the hell decision I had made.

And now I sit in my new home in PEACE, with my headphones on and telling you about this new step I’m taking in theatre to finally be on a performing arts board. And I can genuinely say I’ve never felt happier.

I hope and pray that this blog doesn’t find you in the middle of a divorce or a bad break-up. And if it does, my heart genuinely hurts for you. You do not owe anyone an explanation if you have to step back from the theatre to survive. 

And for those of you reading this who might know one of your theatre friends going through it. Don’t push theatre on them. If it can help them, that is great. But maybe they just need you there on the floor crying with them at 1 a.m. instead.

Because the stage will always be there when they’re ready. Divorce hasn’t killed their passion for theatre. It can just sometimes be easy to forget who they are. But in the meantime, your presence might be the very thing that helps them make it through.

By gently helping them find their way back to themselves.