Melania Review: Nothing To See Here
Ken Jones, OnScreen Blog Chief Film Critic
I’ll be honest, I was never ever planning to see Melania, the $75 million '‘documentary” that was produced by Amazon Studios and seemingly doubled as a gift to the Trump grift syndicate in return for (I’m guessing) not having the screws put to Jeff Bezos’ finances and curry favor for the next four years.
However, my editors thought it would be useful and entertaining for someone very much anti-MAGA to review this piece of propaganda, if for no other reason than to answer a few questions:
Could non-MAGA audiences at least watch this to make fun of it in an MST3K-style way?
Is there anything of substance in this vanity project?
What is my actual threshold for self-flagellation and loathing?
When I got to my seat, I was surprised by the theater, which was mostly full, though it had one of the smaller seating capacities in the multiplex I went to. I wanted to get an “authentic MAGA experience,” and so I went to the fullest showing I could find, 5 pm on a Friday evening. Despite the theater seating chart saying it was almost sold out when I got there, there were more empty seats than the kiosk indicated. I also almost gave myself away right off the bat by going to silence my phone, only to realize I had left my podcast app up and the latest Pod Save America episode was prominently displayed on my screen.
This movie is supposed to be an inside look at Melania Trump’s 20 days leading up to her husband, Donald Trump's, second inauguration in January 2025. At the beginning of the film, she speaks in voice-over, stating that she wants this movie to show her deep involvement in the inauguration planning and her philanthropy, among other things.
I was curious going in just what kind of access and behind-the-scenes revelations might actually await in this puff piece from sex pest “director” Brett Ratner. Would there be any genuine moments? Would there be anything revelatory at all?
In the end, it was mostly propaganda aimed at the MAGA base, and not that carefully constructed, if I’m being honest. But there were, surprisingly, a few moments of genuine humanity in the 104-minute runtime, though even many of those still felt heavily orchestrated and over-produced.
One genuinely good moment is a meeting between the future First Lady and an Israeli citizen who was released by Hamas after being taken captive, but is still seeking the release of her husband of over 40 years. It’s tough to watch the heartbreak on her face and the concern she has for her husband. Melania attempts to console her in the moment, which feels and looks incredibly awkward. Having said that, no knock on anyone helping to console in a moment like that.
There are also two moments of music where she “lets her hair down,” so to speak, and acts naturally in front of the camera. Toward the end of the movie, she sings and dances briefly to “YMCA,” and earlier in the film, in the back of an SUV, she is asked who her favorite artist is, and she replies Michael Jackson, and then begins to sing along to “Billie Jean”.
Of course, that moment is ruined by the person behind the camera, I assume Ratner, asking, “Did we just do carpool karaoke with the First Lady?!?!?!” If this elicited a chuckle from the audience, I was too put off by Ratner’s comment to notice.
Another is that the death of former president Jimmy Carter coincides with the anniversary of the death of her mother, which I was unaware of. I thought that this might be a moment that could really be authentic and win people over, but there is no real emotional heft to it, even though they try to build it up by having her go visit a cathedral in New York City after Carter’s funeral.
That is because, despite all the access the cameras appear to be given, there is almost nothing to access, no insights to gleam, no glimpse of the person behind the public figure. There is nothing for this documentary to document.
Apart from the scene with the wife of the Israeli captive and a scant few other moments, Melania Trump is mostly seen in her cozy confines of Mar-A-Lago or Trump Tower, and eventually in D.C. for the inauguration at the end. Lip service is paid to her philanthropic work, with maybe 6-7 minutes of her discussing programs for foster children with Queen Rania of Jordan (in person) and Brigitte Macron (via video chat). Apart from that, little is made about her initiatives, until right before the credits roll, and they decide to condense all of her “accomplishments” into about three slides of accolades. That, more than anything, feels like the most obvious missed opportunity of this puff piece.
To say that there is nothing for this documentary to document is maybe a bit overstated on my part. There is a lot behind the scenes that is documented, but it’s just not very substantive. If I had to estimate, I’d say about half of the movie's runtime is made up of footage of the camera walking behind Melania as she walks. From her home to a car, from her car to a jet, from a jet to another car, from a car to backstage somewhere. And there are moments when she is walking with her husband, Donald Trump, or with her son, Barron, but you almost never hear the words they exchange.
It’s like watching Aaron Sorkin’s The West Wing on mute.
The other focal point of the movie, aside from the walking, is the fashion. A lot of time is spent preparing her dresses for the inauguration and the balls to follow, like a whole heck of a lot. One genuinely funny moment early on has Melania giving her feedback on a scarf she will be wearing, asking it to be cut to remove something sticking up around her neckline, and when she leaves, the designers say they really can’t do that without cutting it in two. Anyone interested in fashion and how banquet planning happens may find something that catches their eye, but I was largely uninterested in the minutiae they got into poring over her dresses.
One particular moment stuck out about her ball gown being seamless, which I found ironic, because you can practically see all of the seams in this documentary. From the opening drone aerial shot zooming in on Mar-A-Lago, crosscut with Melania walking out to a vehicle, to the staging of shots of her meeting Queen Rania, you can see how different moments were set up to be filmed.
I’d bet my bottom dollar there are probably scenes that were rehearsed or multiple takes that, like the behind-the-scenes audio and video from The Apprentice, will never see the light of day. If Wikipedia is to be believed, filming of this movie took months, which is odd since it is supposed to take place over just 20 days.
There is a lot of voiceover from Melania, perhaps attempting to fabricate an interior life that just isn’t there and isn't revealed by the cameras. The truism of film has always been “show, don’t tell.” Try as they might, no amount of voiceover can make up for someone hiding behind a big pair of sunglasses and hair that essentially acts like curtains to shield her face from the camera for much of the movie.
It became quite obvious to me rather early on that Melania and the people around her wanted this to be her version of the documentary A Tour of the White House with Mrs. John F. Kennedy. This is laid all to bare toward the end of this documentary when, at the end of Inauguration Day, the camera follows the President and First Lady into the residence, and as Trump is walking off to bed, he points at a painting on the wall that was donated by Jackie Kennedy, which the camera zooms in on and lingers.
Not at all subtle. Ratner.
Which brings me to the Ratner of it all. Right as I was becoming unbearably bored and disinterested in this propaganda film (at one point, I started imagining that Werner Herzog was reading the voice-overs and gave myself a chuckle), Ratner decided to start using what I can only assume he thinks are prerequisite “documentary techniques” by adding in different camera styles. One is supposed to be handheld camcorder footage from Melania’s father; I am dubious that he filmed every single one of those shots. And then, toward the end of the film, a third camcorder-style footage is incorporated to give the proceedings a “home video” feel.
Does any of that work? Absolutely not. It was a jarring lo-fi interjection to the proceedings and always felt artificial, forced, and inauthentic. When the third camera style popped up, I quite literally laughed and said, “Oh FFS!” under my breath so as not to call too much attention to myself in this theater full of mostly the 55-and-over watchers.
Ratner is a hack. He’s always been a hack. He will always be a hack. He was prominently involved in the debacle that was X-Men: The Last Stand (and Superman Returns by swapping director chairs with Bryan Singer on those projects). Prior to this, he hadn’t even made a movie since 2014, the utterly unforgettable Hercules starring Dwayne Johnson, a full three years before the sexual misconduct allegations sidelined him. Put it this way, people were not exactly waiting with bated breath for the next Brett Ratner feature. There is no need for this guy’s image to be rehabbed. .
I haven’t spent much time talking about Trump because I loathe the man, and the less I have to write about him, the better. As Inauguration Day approaches, he becomes more prominently involved in the movie, obviously. There is, however, one scene early in the movie that I found fascinating: a phone call Melania takes from him, where he starts talking to her in political talking points, and eventually she cuts him off.
The entire audience laughed.
As a US citizen, I don’t know how to fully unpack that moment, that he’s the same behind the scenes as he is in front of the cameras, that she cuts him off, and the audience's reaction to it all. Laugh? Cry? Be terrified? I just don’t know. That moment is going to stick with me, though, and by that I mean likely haunt me.
I should also take a moment to talk about how jarring and tone deaf much of the soundtrack is. They use “Gimme Shelter” by The Rolling Stones to open the movie, set to drone footage and a carefully choreographed introduction of Melania walking out of Mar-A-Lago and into a waiting vehicle. My soul hurt for Martin Scorsese at that moment. That transitions to “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson, the first of two times the song is used (the second being the “carpool karaoke” scene). The needle drops only get worse and more on the nose from there (“Everybody Wants To Rule the World”? Really?) Also, these are songs about rape, murder, war, sexual allegations, etc. The lack of self-awareness is something.
I could continue savaging Melania, but I think you get the point. The point is that this is a pointless documentary with almost nothing worthwhile to be seen. Just a lot of walking and silhouetted, faceless shots of the subject.
There is nothing to see here. But this DINO (documentary in name only) was never about what was being presented on screen. It’s about what it buys for Amazon and what it buys for Jeff Bezos. It’s probably money well spent for him, but definitely not for us. Regardless, it made me kind of mad afterward to wonder what movies didn’t get funded and didn’t get made just so this vapid piece of propaganda could allow a billionaire with F-U money to curry favor with a cosplaying despot.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go rub Purell on my brain.
Rating: 0.5 out of 5 stars
